Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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