I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
