i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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