where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
