When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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