New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
