Four minutes until I can fart!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
