I'm so fucking centered right now
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
