Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this hospital has no fireball
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
