I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
