Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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