I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
