Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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