We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
