i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize