It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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