So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
