Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He shit in the fireplace
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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