Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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