I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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