I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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