I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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