i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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