I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize