Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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