I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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