$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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