I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
