I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
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