just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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