yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
