Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
birth control should be required to get into college
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
