i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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