They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize