I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
