Little spoons don't ask big questions
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
