he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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