Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize