I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
