I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
