Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
