I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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