even my farts smell like vagina
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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