dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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