I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
