So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
