Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We're too hungover to prance.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
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