Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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