I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
