I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
