he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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