only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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