R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
