So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
