Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
