She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
