there's paper in my vomit.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
