Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
