it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
