At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
