Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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