i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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