I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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