it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I cut my penus on the lid.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she peed on how many people?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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