please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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