so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
