...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
